Difficult Day

Sandy usually updates the blog, but I’m going to take care of this entry. We normally post our best pictures from our finest moments in life. Here’s one of our best pictures:

Allison and Madeline are the result of an in vitro fertilization process that we went through in 2009. Through that process we implanted two embryos, and we have two beautiful daughters. However, there actually were three embryos at the end of the process.

Specifically, on the day that Allison and Madeline were implanted in Sandy, we had a third embryo, which the doctor told us was probably not going to be “viable.” She recommended discarding the embryo or donating it to science. I immediately felt convinced that neither of those options was appropriate. After explaining my position, the doctor suggested that we could wait one more day to see if the embryo develops further. So we implanted the two embryos that were ready that day, and we waited for the news on the third embryo. Sure enough, the next day the doctor told us that Baby C developed well overnight and was acceptable to be frozen. Weird thought, I know. But we froze Baby C.

Since then, we’ve been praying for Baby C. Specifically, I asked God almost every day to protect Baby C. The whole idea of freezing a baby freaked me out. It was our only real option at the time, but it still felt odd to me. I knew there was significant risk that Baby C would not thaw successfully, but it was a better option than discarding Baby C or donating him or her to science. So we prayed faithfully.

The picture above is a picture of Baby C successfully thawed ten days ago. You might not think this picture is as beautiful as the other pictures on our blog, but I disagree. This picture proves that God hears and answers prayer. God is faithful. God is good.

Today, we got the results of Sandy’s blood test. It determines with extraordinary accuracy whether someone is pregnant or not. We are not pregnant. We lost Baby C. We lost the baby we’ve prayed for throughout our pregnancy with Allison and Madeline and during the 19 months of their life. Today is a very hard day. Today I came home to a beautiful wife, two adorable daughters, and a terrific dog; and my house feels empty. Baby C was a member of our family. Sandy wouldn’t let me get too carried away, but if it was a boy, we were seriously considering the name Daniel John Jordan. If Baby C was a girl, we were considering Aimee Joy Jordan (although I prefer traditional name spellings). So I believe DJ or Aimee is in heaven now.

Some people insist that everything happens for a reason. I’m not convinced of that. I do know that I’ve learned some things from this infertility process, including this frozen embryo transfer we just went through. I’ll share what I know rather than the long list of things I don’t know.

1. God gives children as a blessing. We don’t earn them. He gives them. To who He wants. When He wants. And they’re all blessings.

2. Life begins at conception. If it didn’t my heart wouldn’t hurt like this right now.

3. In time, our pain will subside. I know this from experience, and that is a gift from God.

4. God knows much more about what He’s doing than doctors know about what they’re doing. It’s not that doctors aren’t smart or don’t know what they’re doing, but they’re nowhere near God’s league.

5. My wife is an incredible woman. She has endured unexplainable pain and inconvenience and frustration and emotional highs and lows throughout our infertility process. Through it all, she has given tremendous effort to be a great wife, mom, and friend. She has made deep sacrifice for our family for which I will never be able to properly and fully thank her.

6. I love my girls, and I love Baby C.

7. I am blessed and am thankful for those blessings.

8. We have incredible friends and family who have supported us throughout this process…the years of infertility and treatments. This week, your kind words and faithful prayers have constantly reminded us of how blessed we are to have you in our life.

I get a daily devotional by email. I don’t recall the scripture reference specifically. It may have been Phillipians 4 or 1 Thessalonians 5. I remember the message though. God expects me to be thankful at all times and in all circumstances. This morning, I was expecting to be thankful for great news about Baby C. This evening, I’m still thankful. Thankfulness is a choice, not an emotion. I’m deeply sad, but I choose to be thankful. The blessings God has given me are incredibly evident, and I’m sure I ignore plenty of blessings just because I’m thickheaded. I’m thankful for all of these things. And I’m thankful for Baby C. I’m thankful for two years of hope for who Baby C might one day grow to be. Tonight I’m choosing to be thankful.

Now I’m going to go play with Allison and Madeline before going to dinner with Sandy and some friends.